For the past few days I've felt a little down. All I want to do it lay around and do nothing... no cooking, no cleaning, no entertaining... nothing. I know that the devil is attacking me, but its one of those attacks that I can't quite put my finger on the reason, so I am just praying for deliverance.
Things are really good in my life, but for some reason they is a spot deep down in my soul that is unfulfilled. I love what I do and I love my family, but I would like to be able to combine the two so that my work benefits my family in more than a monetary way. If you break it down, the time that it spent with my family on weekdays is about 5 hours depending on when I go to sleep. It's really more like 3 hours with Ashlyn... and those minutes are spent getting her ready for daycare or getting her fed and ready for bed.
We get home around 6:00 and her bedtime is 8:30... that gives me 2 1/2 hours of time... and it's not the quality time that I would prefer. I spend that time cooking dinner (most nights), cleaning up the kitchen from dinner (most nights) , bath (when she allows me to do it instead of her daddy), and a few minutes before bedtime. I normally follow her lead and go to bed the same time that she does... so that gives me even less time with DeMonty. Ugh!
I've spent alot of time dwelling on this the past couple of days and I think that is why I feel that way that I do. I don't feel overwhelmed, but underwhelmed. The tasks that I take on and complete on a daily basis often feel menial... I don't feel as though I have made a difference and I want that feeling. I need deliverance from these thoughts... I need deliverance from myself, so that I am able to see outside the box and know that what I do matters.
So, I will continue to repeat these words as I pray, because I have no other words that will express what I need: Deliver me... make me whole... deliver me... make me whole.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I want to cut my hair
My hair is.... blah. I need a change.
I go thru this around the same time each year, but I have a problem. I have never been able to find someone who knows how to handle my hair. See... me getting a haircut is not that simple because I have naturally curly hair that is pretty thick and I wear it straight (most of the time). I have been told that my hair is really curly at the root, so it can be really deceptive upon first look. Yeah... it looks straight, but get it close to water and... game over!
I know... it's so cliche for people with naturally curly hair to complain about the curl, but if you have never experienced it you really have no right to tell me how I should feel about it. I don't feel "professional" when I wear it curly. That's probably because I tend to put a headband on our just pull it back because it is impossible to manage when its down without tons of product. I just don't feel "polished".
I remember my mom having the same compliants and now that I'm older I totally feel her pain. The texture of my hair completely changed during pregnancy, and once it gets to a certain length it holds no curl, no matter what I put in it.
So... I need someone who know how to cut my hair so that it lays "right" once it is straightened and styled. I also think I want some highlights/lowlights.... oh, I just need a change. The task of finding someone who can accomplish all that I am looking for is daunting, but it will be trial and error. I'm not like most women. I know it's just hair and it will grow back (eventually), but it would be amazing... even magical to find someone who can get it done the first time around. With that said, I think I need to put an ad in the paper that reads something like this:
Hairstylist wanted: African-American female looking for a talented hairstylist that knows how to cut naturally curly hair so that it will lay correctly upon drying and straightening. Style should have body but not be big, frame my face so that I look like I have the features of Halle Berry, and be easy enough to style that I don't have to get up at 4:00 am to ensure that I am ready by 7:00 am. Appointment must not cost me an arm and a leg, leave me in the salon for more than 3 hours, or require me to restyle my hair once in the car. Highlights/lowlights will be considered if you can guarantee I will not look like Peppy Le Pew. If you think you have the skills necessary to conquer my hair, contact me at myhaircan'tbestyled@all.com
I go thru this around the same time each year, but I have a problem. I have never been able to find someone who knows how to handle my hair. See... me getting a haircut is not that simple because I have naturally curly hair that is pretty thick and I wear it straight (most of the time). I have been told that my hair is really curly at the root, so it can be really deceptive upon first look. Yeah... it looks straight, but get it close to water and... game over!
I know... it's so cliche for people with naturally curly hair to complain about the curl, but if you have never experienced it you really have no right to tell me how I should feel about it. I don't feel "professional" when I wear it curly. That's probably because I tend to put a headband on our just pull it back because it is impossible to manage when its down without tons of product. I just don't feel "polished".
I remember my mom having the same compliants and now that I'm older I totally feel her pain. The texture of my hair completely changed during pregnancy, and once it gets to a certain length it holds no curl, no matter what I put in it.
So... I need someone who know how to cut my hair so that it lays "right" once it is straightened and styled. I also think I want some highlights/lowlights.... oh, I just need a change. The task of finding someone who can accomplish all that I am looking for is daunting, but it will be trial and error. I'm not like most women. I know it's just hair and it will grow back (eventually), but it would be amazing... even magical to find someone who can get it done the first time around. With that said, I think I need to put an ad in the paper that reads something like this:
Hairstylist wanted: African-American female looking for a talented hairstylist that knows how to cut naturally curly hair so that it will lay correctly upon drying and straightening. Style should have body but not be big, frame my face so that I look like I have the features of Halle Berry, and be easy enough to style that I don't have to get up at 4:00 am to ensure that I am ready by 7:00 am. Appointment must not cost me an arm and a leg, leave me in the salon for more than 3 hours, or require me to restyle my hair once in the car. Highlights/lowlights will be considered if you can guarantee I will not look like Peppy Le Pew. If you think you have the skills necessary to conquer my hair, contact me at myhaircan'tbestyled@all.com
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Moments
I am in an underwhelming funk today, but I don't really know why. We had a great weekend and holiday where we visited with friends from college while our children played upstairs. After our friends hopped in in their van to head back home, DeMonty, Ashlyn, and I stood on the front steps and just looked. Not that we were looking at anything in particular, but it was such a nice morning and we weren't in any hurry to go back inside.
We continued to stand there as it began to rain, and I watched as Ashlyn darted from the top step to the bottom step as the raindrops fell into her uncombed hair. I had no desire to tell her to get out of the rain... DeMonty and I just stood there watching her squeal in delight each time a new drop would land on her eyes, her cheeks, her nose... each time she lifted her face to the sky. I wasn't concerned with the fact that she was still wearing the tshirt and shorts that she had slept in or that her face hadn't been washed. I just enjoyed her and the moment. There was no where that we had to be, or nothing that we had to do... a truly rare moment.
Ashlyn continued to play outside after the rain stopped. Our neighbors came out, so we spent some time just watching the kids and talking. DeMonty grabbed the sidewalk chalk and I drew hopscotch blocks in our driveway. The rain came again... after lunch, and as I went upstairs to settle into a mindless afternoon of television, DeMonty and Ashlyn opened the front door to watch the storm. In between walking from our bedroom to the bonus room, I stopped at the top of the steps to smile at the joys of my life. All I could see of Ashlyn was a big puff of hair under her daddy's chin and her arms on top of his. They were discussing thunder, raindrops, and mommy's hopscotch. All I could think was, "This is the life!"
It's a shame that I am so caught up with life that I often don't allow myself the chance to live. I need to slow down and start enjoying the moments. I remember that I used to hold on to DeMonty just a little longer so that I could smell the mixture of his cologne and the peppermint candy that he kept in his mouth. That is the smell that made me fall deeper in love with him! Now, I'm in such a mad dash to hit the door in the mornings, or trying to figure out what to cook, I throw out my arms for a quick hug and it's on to the next thing. Daily activities and chores get in the way of me doing the things that truly make me happy... cuddling on the couch with my husband... watching little toes that have just been painted wiggle in the air to speed up drying time.
I want more moments.
We continued to stand there as it began to rain, and I watched as Ashlyn darted from the top step to the bottom step as the raindrops fell into her uncombed hair. I had no desire to tell her to get out of the rain... DeMonty and I just stood there watching her squeal in delight each time a new drop would land on her eyes, her cheeks, her nose... each time she lifted her face to the sky. I wasn't concerned with the fact that she was still wearing the tshirt and shorts that she had slept in or that her face hadn't been washed. I just enjoyed her and the moment. There was no where that we had to be, or nothing that we had to do... a truly rare moment.
Ashlyn continued to play outside after the rain stopped. Our neighbors came out, so we spent some time just watching the kids and talking. DeMonty grabbed the sidewalk chalk and I drew hopscotch blocks in our driveway. The rain came again... after lunch, and as I went upstairs to settle into a mindless afternoon of television, DeMonty and Ashlyn opened the front door to watch the storm. In between walking from our bedroom to the bonus room, I stopped at the top of the steps to smile at the joys of my life. All I could see of Ashlyn was a big puff of hair under her daddy's chin and her arms on top of his. They were discussing thunder, raindrops, and mommy's hopscotch. All I could think was, "This is the life!"
It's a shame that I am so caught up with life that I often don't allow myself the chance to live. I need to slow down and start enjoying the moments. I remember that I used to hold on to DeMonty just a little longer so that I could smell the mixture of his cologne and the peppermint candy that he kept in his mouth. That is the smell that made me fall deeper in love with him! Now, I'm in such a mad dash to hit the door in the mornings, or trying to figure out what to cook, I throw out my arms for a quick hug and it's on to the next thing. Daily activities and chores get in the way of me doing the things that truly make me happy... cuddling on the couch with my husband... watching little toes that have just been painted wiggle in the air to speed up drying time.
I want more moments.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Ways to Put Out a Fire
There was no water in our building yesterday, so in order to go the bathroom I had to get in the car and drive to the nearest location with a working bathroom. I had to drive to McDonald's for coffee this morning. DeMonty wanted to know if we were being reimbursed for gas.
The funny thing is we were told since the water was off, the sprinker system was not working, so if we noticed any "potential fire threats" we needed to notify our supervisor immediately (a supervisor who also has no access to water). So... what could we we have done if a fire had broken out? Here were my thoughts:
1. We could all get together and pee the fire out. Since we have no bathroom access, there should have been plenty of pee available.
2. I could spit on it until the fire department arrived. The bad thing is that wouldn't have worked because I would be too dehydrated from not having access to water all day.
Any one have any other ways that we could put the fire out?
The funny thing is we were told since the water was off, the sprinker system was not working, so if we noticed any "potential fire threats" we needed to notify our supervisor immediately (a supervisor who also has no access to water). So... what could we we have done if a fire had broken out? Here were my thoughts:
1. We could all get together and pee the fire out. Since we have no bathroom access, there should have been plenty of pee available.
2. I could spit on it until the fire department arrived. The bad thing is that wouldn't have worked because I would be too dehydrated from not having access to water all day.
Any one have any other ways that we could put the fire out?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Baby on the Brain
I think I want another baby. Babies mean renewal and starting all over again. Tiny toes, smooth skin, and new noises. They also mean car seats, bottles, diapers, and no sleep. Possibly becoming a mother again means that I don't have the dreamy-eyed view that many new moms have before they give birth. Babies are hard. But at the same time, I think about how blessed I am to have been able to experience all of the hard times that come along with a newborn. There are so many in this world who pray to be able to experience this new life, but are unable to because of many different reasons. When I think of these people, I find myself to be selfish and ungrateful because God has allowed me the ability to choose whether I want to do it again. But, the question is... do we do it or not? I really don't know.
I think my mistake is thinking about the long nights, new expenses, and new challenges that come with a baby. Of course everyone around us thinks its a great idea, but they are not the ones signing the checks for daycare... getting up at 2, 3, 4, 5 am to a baby who does not sleep (Ashlyn was the most alert and awake baby that I have ever seen... she was over a year old before we were able to get her to sleep thru the night). Ashlyn is just starting to keep her Pull-Up dry through the night... do I (we... sorry DeMonty) really want to go through diapers, exhaustion, potty training, etc, etc) all over again?
I need to change my thinking. There is a reason that the Lord has placed it in my heart to have another child. Only He knows that reason, and only He can give me the peace of knowing that I (we) can handle it. He gave me that peace with Ashlyn and I know that He will give me that peace with a new life. I have a wonderful husband who goes above and beyong the call of duty when it comes to raising our daughter, and he says he wouldn't mind having another one (if I can guarantee him it will be a boy). :) Ooooh... a new baby. The idea is starting to grow on me.
So... I'm thinking about it... maybe this time next year...
I think my mistake is thinking about the long nights, new expenses, and new challenges that come with a baby. Of course everyone around us thinks its a great idea, but they are not the ones signing the checks for daycare... getting up at 2, 3, 4, 5 am to a baby who does not sleep (Ashlyn was the most alert and awake baby that I have ever seen... she was over a year old before we were able to get her to sleep thru the night). Ashlyn is just starting to keep her Pull-Up dry through the night... do I (we... sorry DeMonty) really want to go through diapers, exhaustion, potty training, etc, etc) all over again?
I need to change my thinking. There is a reason that the Lord has placed it in my heart to have another child. Only He knows that reason, and only He can give me the peace of knowing that I (we) can handle it. He gave me that peace with Ashlyn and I know that He will give me that peace with a new life. I have a wonderful husband who goes above and beyong the call of duty when it comes to raising our daughter, and he says he wouldn't mind having another one (if I can guarantee him it will be a boy). :) Ooooh... a new baby. The idea is starting to grow on me.
So... I'm thinking about it... maybe this time next year...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Shut up IS a bad word
DeMonty and I have convinced Ashlyn that shut up is a bad word. The first time we heard her say it, I got down so that I was on her level (courtesy of Super Nanny) and explained to her that it was a bad word and that she shouldn't say it, not thinking about how many times she might hear that word in her own home.
You see, DeMonty and I do not cuss, but we are really sarcastic with each other and Shut up is one of our favorite terms of endearment. It is frequently used when we are discussing topics and one of us it tired of the discussion, so we end it with, "Shut up (insert name here). You think you're so smart." I know... I know... we shouldn't speak to each other that way, but we're not the average couple and sentences like that often let us know how much we are loved by the other. Okay... we're a little strange, but it works for us.
If you have some extra time, pay close attention to how many times the words shut up is used on a daily basis... I'm talking TV, radio, and just general conversation. Ashlyn seems to be shocked by the words every time she hears them. Her eyes widen, mouth opens, and the next thing you here is "Oooooh... don't say that!" She will even run from the room that she is in to tell us that "someone" has said shut up. The funny thing is that she has figured out how she can say it and get away with it. We had a conversation while getting ready this morning in where she told me that you can't say the words shut up, be quiet, butt, and hush or you are going to get in trouble. (Yeah, we told her that those words were also bad as well). The funny thing is she continued to say the words shut up over and over again (as if to prove a point that you should not say those words) and with more authority each time it came out of her mouth. I couldn't get on to her about saying it because she was explaining to me that you aren't supposed to say it.
So, for those of you who think that you have no influence on your children, think again. We have convinced our child that common words used in every day conversation are "bad" words. I'm sure more words will be introduced to her as bad words, but I would rather scold her about those instead of some of the other four-letter words that are floating around.
You see, DeMonty and I do not cuss, but we are really sarcastic with each other and Shut up is one of our favorite terms of endearment. It is frequently used when we are discussing topics and one of us it tired of the discussion, so we end it with, "Shut up (insert name here). You think you're so smart." I know... I know... we shouldn't speak to each other that way, but we're not the average couple and sentences like that often let us know how much we are loved by the other. Okay... we're a little strange, but it works for us.
If you have some extra time, pay close attention to how many times the words shut up is used on a daily basis... I'm talking TV, radio, and just general conversation. Ashlyn seems to be shocked by the words every time she hears them. Her eyes widen, mouth opens, and the next thing you here is "Oooooh... don't say that!" She will even run from the room that she is in to tell us that "someone" has said shut up. The funny thing is that she has figured out how she can say it and get away with it. We had a conversation while getting ready this morning in where she told me that you can't say the words shut up, be quiet, butt, and hush or you are going to get in trouble. (Yeah, we told her that those words were also bad as well). The funny thing is she continued to say the words shut up over and over again (as if to prove a point that you should not say those words) and with more authority each time it came out of her mouth. I couldn't get on to her about saying it because she was explaining to me that you aren't supposed to say it.
So, for those of you who think that you have no influence on your children, think again. We have convinced our child that common words used in every day conversation are "bad" words. I'm sure more words will be introduced to her as bad words, but I would rather scold her about those instead of some of the other four-letter words that are floating around.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The great fencing debate
My myspace friends already have the background information about the fence that I would like to put up in our backyard. I believed that DeMonty and I had settled the dispute a few weeks ago when yesterday I heard him say, "I was thinking that we could do a tree line instead of a fence (insert slow inhale, and slow exhale from me). This statement was made during a conversation with Mela, who was telling us that her neighbors had spent a nice chunk of change landscaping their backyard, and they happened to have a really nice tree line.
Okay... I knew that it would only be a matter of time before the great fence debate surfaced again, but I thought we would go back to him saying, "I don't think that we should fence the whole yard". Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that this man would tell me that he has been thinking of a tree line. Does he really think that the tree line is going to keep our buddies from trapesing through our yard? How may times do I need to explain my reasoning for fencing in the yard? Okay... once more. "I really want the yard to be fenced for privacy... that way Ashlyn can go back there and just play and we can sit on the deck and watch her without having to worry about chasing a ball or moving her out of the way because a car is coming". Now, I will admit that the only cars that come in and out of our culdesac are our neighbors who live in the houses within the culdesac, but at the same time... we have no front yard and I keep imagining her screaming after fallig on the aggregate driveway or in the middle of the road on a surface that is not has soft and gentle as grass. DeMonty feels the front yard is sufficient, even though we play catch in the driveway and are always yelling, "Come back up here" when we are out there.
I'm just trying to be logical in all of this. Ashlyn wants a "playground" and we can't put it in the driveway. I want privacy so that I can have a little piece of mind knowing that a burglar will have to jump a fence to get to our back door. Heck... I just want to put an end to the fencing discussion... period!
All this is a trivial, since we most likely will wait until next year before the fence is installed (due to the mountianous pile of brush that is still waiting to be cleared). The ironic thing is that when the fence is installed, I know that I will hear, "You should have listened to me when I told you we should fence the yard) *wink*, snicker and smile (coming from DeMonty). Sometimes I don't even know why I waste my breath! :)
Oh.. .there's a cedar tree in the back that looks like it's trying to hula whenever the wind blows... I wonder how much convincing it's going to take before that gets cut down.
Okay... I knew that it would only be a matter of time before the great fence debate surfaced again, but I thought we would go back to him saying, "I don't think that we should fence the whole yard". Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that this man would tell me that he has been thinking of a tree line. Does he really think that the tree line is going to keep our buddies from trapesing through our yard? How may times do I need to explain my reasoning for fencing in the yard? Okay... once more. "I really want the yard to be fenced for privacy... that way Ashlyn can go back there and just play and we can sit on the deck and watch her without having to worry about chasing a ball or moving her out of the way because a car is coming". Now, I will admit that the only cars that come in and out of our culdesac are our neighbors who live in the houses within the culdesac, but at the same time... we have no front yard and I keep imagining her screaming after fallig on the aggregate driveway or in the middle of the road on a surface that is not has soft and gentle as grass. DeMonty feels the front yard is sufficient, even though we play catch in the driveway and are always yelling, "Come back up here" when we are out there.
I'm just trying to be logical in all of this. Ashlyn wants a "playground" and we can't put it in the driveway. I want privacy so that I can have a little piece of mind knowing that a burglar will have to jump a fence to get to our back door. Heck... I just want to put an end to the fencing discussion... period!
All this is a trivial, since we most likely will wait until next year before the fence is installed (due to the mountianous pile of brush that is still waiting to be cleared). The ironic thing is that when the fence is installed, I know that I will hear, "You should have listened to me when I told you we should fence the yard) *wink*, snicker and smile (coming from DeMonty). Sometimes I don't even know why I waste my breath! :)
Oh.. .there's a cedar tree in the back that looks like it's trying to hula whenever the wind blows... I wonder how much convincing it's going to take before that gets cut down.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
In My Arms
As a mother, I often take for granted the times that I experience with my daughter. Before I became a mother, I was filled with thoughts of cake baking and card making, bubble baths, and reading stories. Breathing in that clean smell that fills the air after a bath, and feeling the warmth of this little person that I helped to create snuggled down in my lap... hearing that little sigh that means only one thing, "I am safe and secure in my mother's arms.
Ashlyn is a 3-year old non-stop talking little girl, whose daddy is her hero, loves ice cream sandwiches and sliced cheese (KRAFT only), and thinks that her Uncle B bought her bedroom set... only because he helped daddy bring it in her room. She loves to listen and sing to "mommy' s song", but every song that comes on the radio is her song and she wants no one else is to sing it. I've learned that her friend's favorite movie is Turkey Leaves (Hercules) and the same friend has taught her about going to jail (still trying to figure that one out).
I try to take in as much as I can when I'm with her... the way she looks at me when she doesn't believe what I am saying... eyebrows raised, brow furrowed, and neck poked out. The sound of her breathing when she is laying beside me taking a nap and the smile she gives me when she wakes up, her big brown eyes slowly focusing on my face, the slow smile spreading across her face as she greets me with a "Hi mommy". These are the things that I will hold on to during those late nights when I'm sitting at the foot of the stairs watching the clock waiting to hear the rattle of keys being inserted into the lock... the door clicking as it is been turned oh so slowly so that she doesn't wake mom up. As I help her pack one box at a time in preparation for college, emptying her room of all the things that made it "hers". As I watch her grow into a young woman, wife, and mother, I will remember these things.
My life is filled with kissing boo-boos, drying tears, unexpected hugs, time-outs, and funny words. My time with her is precious and I hope that she knows that she makes all things better for me.
Ashlyn is a 3-year old non-stop talking little girl, whose daddy is her hero, loves ice cream sandwiches and sliced cheese (KRAFT only), and thinks that her Uncle B bought her bedroom set... only because he helped daddy bring it in her room. She loves to listen and sing to "mommy' s song", but every song that comes on the radio is her song and she wants no one else is to sing it. I've learned that her friend's favorite movie is Turkey Leaves (Hercules) and the same friend has taught her about going to jail (still trying to figure that one out).
I try to take in as much as I can when I'm with her... the way she looks at me when she doesn't believe what I am saying... eyebrows raised, brow furrowed, and neck poked out. The sound of her breathing when she is laying beside me taking a nap and the smile she gives me when she wakes up, her big brown eyes slowly focusing on my face, the slow smile spreading across her face as she greets me with a "Hi mommy". These are the things that I will hold on to during those late nights when I'm sitting at the foot of the stairs watching the clock waiting to hear the rattle of keys being inserted into the lock... the door clicking as it is been turned oh so slowly so that she doesn't wake mom up. As I help her pack one box at a time in preparation for college, emptying her room of all the things that made it "hers". As I watch her grow into a young woman, wife, and mother, I will remember these things.
My life is filled with kissing boo-boos, drying tears, unexpected hugs, time-outs, and funny words. My time with her is precious and I hope that she knows that she makes all things better for me.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Curve Balls
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. This statement if full of irony for me since I have no interest whatsoever in sports, especially baseball. but we all experience a curve ball every now and then. I have had many thrown at me and some were hard to catch. Some I prayed to catch... others I prayed would fly past me and fall quickly to the ground. Regardless of the curveball that was thrown I have always prayed for:
STRENGTH to see the light at the end of the tunnel
UNDERSTANDING everyone's perspective that is different than my own
FORGIVENESS for those who I felt had wronged me
LOVE unconditionally no matter what the circumstance may be
PATIENCE to allow the Lord to take me to this place where He is guiding me
JOY in the midst of the storm
PEACE to know that it will all work out for the greater good of God and
KNOWLEDGE to know when to catch the ball and when to let it fall
Welcome to my world and watch for those curveballs. As I try to catch them, remember: sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm bad, but I'm always prayerful.
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